Kunoichi Legends
by That's Professor Hawke
Summary: In the ninja world, kunoichi need to fight twice as hard as men for half as much respect. But Mayumi Uchiha won't stop at mere "respect"... she wants to be Hokage! AU, Fem!Sasuke, Dark!Naruto
1. Prologue

**Author's Note:** For a while, I've been thinking of writing an "alternate Sasuke" story alongside my "alternate Naruto" story. Recently, I remembered _Who Dares, Wins_ and thought, "Hey, if 'ice-cold FemNaruto' works so well, why not try an 'energetic and boisterous FemSasuke' story?" So here goes nothing, I suppose.

**Disclaimer:** _Naruto_ is a _Shonen Jump _publication written by Masashi Kishimoto. I am neither _Shonen Jump_ nor Masashi Kishimoto. If that doesn't say it all, I pity you for your lack of perceptive prowess, and strongly advise that you _not _pursue the way of the ninja.

**~V~**

**Kunoichi Legends  
><strong>- a _Naruto_ fan-novel -  
>by<br>That's Professor Hawke

**~V~**

**- Prologue -  
>"If You Have the Will to Seek Power..."<strong>

**~V~**

"_It's funny, Sasuke... you and I...  
><em>_could easily have been standing in each other's shoes right now..."  
><em>— Naruto Uzumaki, Manga Chapter 485

**~V~**

"I'm late, I'm late, I'm FUCKING LATE!"

Mayumi Uchiha, the last survivor of her clan, little sister of the renegade Itachi Uchiha, hadn't given more than five seconds' consecutive thought to the tragedy of the Uchiha Massacre in over two years. It still occurred to her from time to time, but it just wasn't fun to think about, so she'd eventually just stopped thinking about it. After the fact, it seemed like the simplest goddamn thing in the world.

So easy to just say: "Fuck Itachi!"

So much easier than that to say: "FUCK being the village council's last Sharingan-making machine! I am my OWN WOMAN, so there!"

So much easier still to say: "Fuck the tutors and their fucking special treatment, I got my grades 'cause I'm just that awesome! Fuck yeah!"

But mostly the easiest thing at the moment to say was that she was fucking late.

So she ran, ran, and ran some more—the last of the Uchiha, who so took after her mother in looks, ran like her life depended on it, wondering just why the flying fuck the Uchiha Clan Compound had to be so gods-damned far away from everything else in this city. If she ever found out at any point that her clan's compound was so far away from everything else because of anti-Uchiha prejudice on the village council, she probably would have added "FUCK the village council up the FUCKING BUMHOLE!" to her list of daily "fuck you" statements, but that had nothing to do with caring about the Uchiha. Oh, no, it was the burning sensation in her leg that had her so riled up, and FUCK the Uchiha clan for being prejudiced against!

Yeah! So THERE!

Skidding around a corner without breaking stride, panting like she'd run ten miles nonstop, Mayumi brushed her long, raven hair away from her eyes with an irate swipe of her left arm. She saw the finish line and smirked one of the Uchiha clan's trademark smirks (while we're at it... FUCK THOSE, TOO!). Her calves were burning, her lungs were heaving, but she ran faster still, leaping the Academy fence in a single bound, landing like a cat amidst the in-going gaggle of ninja trainees, and jumping a second time over _them_, too (FUCK pedestrians!).

Down the hall, to the right, up the stairs, there's the homeroom door—

—and she slid her homeroom door open, sprinted to her seat, collapsed into it next to Sakura Haruno, and promptly started gulping down air like a drowning sky-fish.

"Fuck—my—alarm—clock—too!" she gasped, head on the desk.

Sakura shook her pink-haired head in dismay and exasperation at the disheveled girl as the Uchiha kunoichi's exhaustion wound down. "You were almost too late, Mayumi. What gives?"

"My—fucking—alarm—clock—that's—OW!"

For Mayumi had been conked on the head by an annoyed Sakura.

"Language, missy," the pink-haired girl said. "Ladies shouldn't say such nasty words."

"FUCK BEING A 'LADY,' I'M A WOMAN!" roared Mayumi, drawing stares from around the classroom.

_Bonk!_

"Ow! And fuck you, too! Stop doing that!"

"Did you get it all out of your system, Mayumi?" Sakura asked dryly.

Mayumi Uchiha, suddenly all smiles and sunshine, said, "Yeah, I'm cool. So, what's new?"

Sakura's friendly smile diminished, and she turned serious.

"Oh, I only just found out—Iruka-sensei and Mizuki-sensei. They turned up dead in the woods a few days ago. Right after graduation, even."

"What?" Mayumi said, giving a start. "Wha—but that's—Iruka-sensei? Dead? But... that really sucks."

"You have such a way with words," Sakura said, rolling her eyes. "Mizuki-sensei, too, though. Two of our teachers in one night, both in the same place. They say Iruka-sensei took a king-size shuriken to the chest, but rumor has it that Mizuki-sensei was simply _beaten _to a bloody pulp. Whoever did it must've been _great_ at taijutsu..."

"Meh, I never liked that guy. He always seemed like he was trying to get on your good side so he could curry a favor... any word on who did it?"

"There's this weird rumor that it was... Naruto."

"Naruto? That dunce? Get real!"

"I know! But nobody's seen Naruto since... and he _was_ the only one who failed, and the two of them were giving the tests... maybe it was, you know, _revenge._"

"How the hell do you think a dunce like that is going to beat two fully-trained Chunin, Sakura? I mean, _really_—get real. Fuck."

**~V~**

Naruto Uzumaki had been running for a good deal longer than fifteen minutes, and for quite a lot farther than ten miles. The Village Hidden in the Leaves, _Konohagakure no Sato,_ was far and a ways behind him now. The scroll of sealing was clutched in his arms and he was frantic. They were somewhere behind him now, he knew it—the ANBU Black Ops. Coming for him perhaps, or for the scroll, or for the chance to finish off the Nine-Tailed Fox once and for all, or possibly for all three, hell, probably for all three, the point was that he was running from them and he was out of breath, and—

"—waaa!"

Naruto's surprise at the sudden appearance of the figure before him caused him to lose his footing and tumble, end over end, right off the branch of the tree he next landed on. The First Hokage's forbidden-arts scroll tumbled out of his arms and to the ground—

"I'll take that, thank you very much..."

A blunt pain blasted into the blond boy's midsection as he collided with another thick branch on the way down, but as he tumbled off of that, he managed to catch himself on another. Shaking his head to clear the stars from his vision, the boy turned his head to regard the figure who had accosted him, as well as the two others who accompanied him, as he released his grip on the branch and dropped to the forest floor to land on his feet instead of his spine.

On a high tree stood the first of the three—a woman, older than him, younger than most of the teachers at the Academy. On the ground where the scroll would have fallen was a teenage boy with a nasty expression on his face, opening the scroll and skimming its contents. And—_holy shit, right in front of me—_where had he come from? Right in front of Naruto now, was a creepy guy with bandages covering his entire face except for a single eye.

All of them wore the _hitai-ate_ forehead protectors of a ninja village, but none of them bore the emblem of the leaf on them. Their headbands instead displayed an etching of a musical note—from what little Naruto remembered of geography or ninja society, he couldn't place the symbol to a Hidden Village. Of course, he _was _the dead-last...

"You, boy," said the man in the bandage mask. "Are you Mizuki's messenger? We were expecting the man himself to show up at the agreed-upon rendevous point, not to trail some brat halfway across the Land of Fire. Explain yourself."

"This is definitely it!" the other boy called over to the others. "Definitely the genuine article! _Taju Kage Bunshin no Jutsu, _first thing, then after that..."

Naruto was trembling, backing away, mouth opening and closing as if he were a beached fish—

"Explain," growled the man in the bandage mask.

"I—I—look, you can have the scroll, okay? I don't want it, I just want to get away—you're from another village, right? Can you—can you help me get away?"

"Get away?" the girl crouched in the branches above said. "Kid, did you steal that scroll yourself? And get away with it?"

"G-get away? I'm still trying to get away! They're probably after me already—"

"Nobody's after you," the man with the bandage mask said. "I'd be able to hear them if they were."

"H-hear? You mean... the ANBU Black Ops aren't—the ninja from the Hidden Leaf aren't...?"

The man in the bandages blinked slowly at the blond-haired boy, and the teenager with the nasty look on his face, who seemed slightly impressed, lugged the forbidden arts scroll over to the bandage-faced guy.

"Hey, kid," said the teenager. "Why do you want to get away from the village? And why'd you take the scroll?"

"I was... tricked," said Naruto uneasily. "But that doesn't matter now. I just need to get away from—from all those people in the village. Those looks they give me, the—look, I don't want to be Hokage anymore! I don't want them to notice my existence! I hate them! So please, just help me get away! I have no idea where to go or what to do—!"

The three shinobi of the Village Hidden in Sound, _Otogakure,_ appraised the boy—his dirt-crusted, disheveled state, the frantic, pleading look in his eyes.

"If you want to get away," said the man in the bandage-mask, "then come with us. If you have the will to seek power, and the potential to use it... perhaps _he _will agree to take you in."

"I'll do anything, just help me!" Naruto pleaded.

"Then follow," the other replied. "Kin, Zaku! We're moving out."

"Are you sure about taking the boy along, Dosu?" the girl asked, eyeing the blond suspiciously. "It might be safer to just kill him."

"We'll leave that decision up to Orochimaru-sama," said the one named Dosu as he turned to leave. "Boy," he added without looking back. "What's your name?"

"N-Naruto," said the blonde, sounding for the first time neither frantic nor pleading—hell, maybe just a little bit determined. "Naruto Uzumaki, and... I guess I belong to whatever village you guys are from, now."

Zaku, the teenager with the nasty look on his face, smirked at that, and said, "We'll see, kid. But I have a feeling you and I will get along just fine."

None of the Sound shinobi were looking at his face at that moment, but at that Naruto... smiled. It was a weak, relieved smile, and when he leapt up into the branches to follow the three ninja from _Otogakure_, he felt the first spark of hope.

Maybe he did have this demon inside of him, and yeah, if these guys ever found out, they'd probably hate him, too.

But hell. If they didn't find out, they wouldn't find out.


	2. I: To Be the First Female Hokage!

**Disclaimer:**_Naruto_ is a _Shonen Jump _publication written by Masashi Kishimoto. I am neither _Shonen Jump_ nor Masashi Kishimoto. If that doesn't say it all, I pity you for your lack of perceptive prowess, and strongly advise that you _not _pursue the way of the ninja.

**~V~**

**- Chapter One -  
>"To Be the First Female Hokage!"<strong>

**~V~**

"Hello to you all, the name's Genma," said the man at the front of the class. "I'm the substitute sensei for today's orientation. Iruka Umino, your regular homeroom teacher, is presently disposed—er, _indisposed_—and unavailable for class. Don't bother calling me 'Genma-sensei,' because that just doesn't work. You may call me 'Genma-sama' if you wish, or just 'Genma.' As for the speech…"

Mayumi blinked at the man, who wore his _hitai-ate _bandanna backwards and was chewing a _senbon_ throwing-needle like a toothpick as he spoke. She was torn between wondering what kind of asshole joked about the murder of a fellow ninja, and wondering why there couldn't be more assholes like that in the world—it would make murder just a teensy bit less depressing.

Genma looked over the list he held in his hand. "…I kinda forgot to bring a copy with me, so just imagine that I'm saying something inspirational for a few seconds, starting… now."

A few seconds of silence passed, during which classmates exchanged many an incredulous look and Mayumi fought to stifle a giggle.

"Right," Genma said. "So welcome to the wonderful world of 'old enough to kill, old enough to get piss-assed drunk.' Now that you're officially 'brats in uniform' rather than just 'brats,' I'm going to divide you into teams of three. Each team will be mentored by a Jonin—"

_CRASH!_

One of the windows to Genma's far right shattered in a dramatic explosion of glass, and something—or rather, _someone_—barreled through this explosion to come to an acrobatic, catlike landing at the front of the class. Genma, rather than reacting in the expected defensive manner, simply let out a long-suffering sigh as he was suddenly obscured from view by a massive banner: the purple-haired maniac threw a series of four kunai knives, each of which suspended this banner from the floor or ceiling at a different corner.

The banner read:

**NOW PRESENTING  
><strong>**TEAM SEVEN'S SUBSTITUTE SENSEI  
>ANKO MITARASHI<br>(Pleased to meetcha!)**

"Alright, you maggots!" this woman—Anko—yelled, punching a fist toward the sky. "Team Seven, front and center! I ain't got all day, so make it quick!"

Her appearance was as eye-catching as her entrance: she was a reasonably well-endowed woman clad in an open trenchcoat, an extremely short skirt, and a fishnet shirt that left nothing to the imagination—and yet this ensemble actually managed to cover up those two little places that mattered. As if that weren't enough, her hair was purple and done up in a ponytail that seemed to defy the laws of gravity, fanning up behind her head like a wind-swept peacock's tail.

"Anko…" groaned the man behind the banner, as he peeked around the left side. "You jumped the gun. _Again. _By about two hours. I haven't even announced the teams yet."

"Hey, it's better than being two hours _late, _like Kakashi would've been!" Anko snapped defensively.

The class was dumbstruck. Genma was chewing his _senbon _with an annoyed look on his face. And Mayumi—

"THAT WAS AWESOME!"

—jumped up from her seat, fists in the air, regarding the crazy-haired kunoichi in the trenchcoat with starry eyes. Anko blinked back at the girl as she began to rant.

"No, seriously! The way you just blasted in through the glass all like FUCK THE GLASS and put up that banner right in Genma-sama's face, all like FUCK YOU I'M NOT CALLING YOU GENMA-SAMA and the way you don't even have a bra on, like FUCK BEING A LADY I'M A WOMAN, you know, I say that all the time it's kinda like my catchphrase, please tell me I'm on Team Seven, you are now officially my _idol._"

"…Huh?" Anko said, gaping at the grinning maniac in the second row. Next to the raven-haired girl, two other young ladies—one with pink hair, and another with blonde—both simultaneously covered their faces with their hands, groaning in unison. Behind Anko, Genma muttered something that sounded like, "…little bitch is actually as crazy as you…"

Anko turned around, eyeing the _senbon_-chewing jokester owlishly, and said, "Why'd she call you 'Genma-sama?'"

"Is that seriously the only thing you took from that?" Genma asked.

"Never mind. Which three brats are mine? I wanna get this over with."

"Right, right," Genma said lazily (sounding to the class, for a moment, like Shikamaru Nara). "Let's see… Team Seven, Team Seven… right, Team Seven, assigned to Kakashi Hatake, will be temporarily mentored by Anko Mitarashi while their official Jonin sensei is out of town on an emergency mission. The three students who will accompany Anko—out the _door_, please—will be… Sakura Haruno, Akane Yuhi, and Mayumi Uchiha—!"

"FUCK YEAH!" crowed the raven-haired maniac in the second row.

Anko smirked. Well, maybe this little misadventure would make for a fun diversion, after all…

**~V~**

"Um, Anko-sensei?" the red-eyed brunette, Akane Yuhi, asked timidly. "Um, where... are we going?"

"The dango shack, of course!" Anko replied. She was leading them down a street. "Since I... heh heh... kind of showed up before your lunch break, I decided I'd treat you all to a last me—I mean, to a meal. We'll get the introductions out of the way, and then we'll go take care of that pesky little Genin selection test."

"Test, sensei?" Sakura said. "But, we've already graduated. Aren't we done with tests?"

"Oh, that? That was just to eliminate the hopeless cases. The real test is after lunch! ...Technically it's supposed to be tomorrow morning, but I don't fucking feel like waiting."

"Bring it on, Boss!" cheered the Uchiha girl. "I'll take whatever you throw at me and throw it right back! You wanna fuck, I'll fuck you up the eyeball with that kunai you just threw at me two hours from now! You wanna screw, I'll screw a Fuma Shuriken so far up your backside you won't know where your spine ends and it begins! I'll—"

_Bonk!_

"Ow! And I'll throw a few at _her _just 'cause I fucking feel like it! ...Seriously, Sakura, fuck you and thanks in advance for never doing that again."

"Can you please just _take a chill pill?" _growled Sakura. "And watch your language in front of our sensei, you're making us look bad!"

"I don't give a fuck how many fucking times she says the fuck-word," Anko said nonchalantly. "Old enough to kill, old enough to cuss, I say."

"Fuckity-fucking fuckable fuckbubbles!" agreed Mayumi.

"That's the spirit! Rape the ears of all passing toddlers! They need to find out what the word 'fuck' means someday, might as well be today."

Sakura groaned. Their sensei was just as crude and vulgar as her best friend... this "substitute sensei" arrangement might be temporary, but she had a feeling it was gonna be a _long _one.

As they approached the sweets shop, Anko picked up the pace, power-walking right on in and plopping down on a seat. The three kunoichi-to-be had to jog to keep up. "Hey, chief! The usual! And whatever these three order, on me."

"I'll take whatever she's having!" said Mayumi, pointing at Anko.

"Ah... chief, make hers a ten-piece set instead, 'kay? Thanks," Anko added, scratching the back of her head sheepishly.

After the other two had ordered their dango, Anko crossed her legs, leaned forward with an elbow on the table, and said. "Alright, introduction time. Name's Anko Mitarashi. I like dango, sex, and scaring the shit out of snot-nosed brats _exactly like you!_"

Her demonic grin caused both Sakura and Akane to quail slightly, but Mayumi, naturally, just matched it with one of her own.

_Aw, hell... we are so screwed, _Sakura thought. _These two are like soul-twins or something. Both scary as hell and clinically psychotic. I sense... shenanigans... in our future._

The thought was both funny and a little alarming.

"As for my dislikes, I hate dudes who think they're better than women just 'cause they have dicks. My dream for the future is none of your goddamn business. As for my hobbies, I like trying out different positions and experimenting with ways to scare the shit out of people for my side-job in Torture and Interrogation. Any questions, maggots? No? Good."

Anko, of course, hadn't given them a chance to get a word in edgewise. Somehow, Sakura found the revelation that their substitute sensei worked in T&I totally unsurprising. She could totally envision this woman skinning a helpless prisoner alive with a rusty spoon if she squinted her eyes and let her imagination run wild for a bit.

"Me next, me next!" said Mayumi, hopping up and down on her seat with her hand in the air.

Anko said: "Yuhi, you first. Likes, dislikes, dreams, hobbies. Go."

"Fuck," mumbled Mayumi.

"Um, sure..." said the brunette. At that, Mayumi and Sakura (who had thus far been distracted by their outlandish sensei) focused on their new teammate for the first time. She had thick, slightly curly brown hair that fell to her shoulders and framed her face, and she had slightly creepy red eyes. She apparently belonged to a minor shinobi clan, the Yuhi, but they knew next to nothing about it and it must not have been a very impressive one—Akane Yuhi was the worst student in class among all of those who'd passed the graduation exam, meaning the only student in their homeroom who'd scored lower than her had been Naruto Uzumaki.

"My name is Akane Yuhi, I'm pleased to meet you all. I, um, I like genjutsu and I like the ninja arts, but I'm not very good at them. I don't like, well, strong language or bad manners—"

"We, young lady, are going to get along _famously_," drawled Anko.

To this Mayumi said, "Fuck yeah, I was totally just thinking the same exact thing! Welcome to Team Fuck-You, Yuhi-chan."

Akane either smiled a bit or winced a bit. "U-um, thanks. I... think? Anyway, I don't really have any hobbies, and my dream for the future is to be a strong, respectable shinobi like my auntie Kurenai—"

"No _way!_" Anko cut in, almost laughing. "'Nai-chan has a niece who calls her 'auntie' and dreams of being just like her. Oh, this is precious. The naivety only heightens the cuteness factor. I could just _eat you up_, little Yuhi-chan!"

Akane opened her mouth and closed it again, feeling her face grow hot, then she averted her eyes and said. "Th-that's... that's all."

Mayumi piped up: "My turn, my turn—"

"Pinkette, you're up next, so start spilling your guts. NOW," Anko commanded.

(Three guesses which curse word Mayumi spewed into the air!)

"I'm Sakura Haruno," said the girl in the fashionable hot-pink outfit, brushing her light-pink hair out of her eyes as she did. "I like boys, that's a given, and I like sweet foods—anko dumplings are a personal, um, favorite of mine..."

She glanced uneasily at her substitute sensei, who was giving her a coy, suggestive smirk.

Deciding to answer this with dignity by ignoring it, she continued: "I don't like spicy foods. My hobby is playing trivia games. My dream for the future is to find myself a dreamboat hunk of a ninja to sweep me off my feet and..."

She trailed off with a giggle. "Well, you know how it works."

"No, Sakura-chan, tell us!" Mayumi taunted. "I think I slept through that lesson in health class, how do they make babies again? Was it an assembly line run by hermaphrodite storks? I forget."

_Bonk!_

"OW! What was that for?"

"For being disgusting and obnoxious!" snarled Sakura. "Anyway," she said, switching from scathing to smiling sweetly in the blink of an eye as if she were bipolar, "that's all I have to say, Mayumi, so it's your turn! Try to keep it PG-13, 'kay?"

"FUCK YEAH, IT'S MY TURN!"

_Bonk!_

"Fucking OW, Sakura! Stop doing that!"

"I said keep it PG-13! And to a dull roar, if you don't mind! We're all sitting right next to you, you spaz!"

Anko looked back and forth between Sakura and Mayumi during this exchange as if she were watching a tennis match. The two reminded her of a puppet show she had once watched a street performer show off when she was a child, which consisted of two puppets beating each other over the head with miniature bats. Anko decided then and there that the routine was much more comedic when it featured actual people.

Rubbing her thrice-bumped head with a rueful expression on her face, Mayumi muttered "fuck" for the nine-thousandth time before instantly brightening up—_Maybe they're _both _bipolar?_ Anko mused—and beginning her own intro monologue.

"Heya, fuckers, I'm—" _Bonk!_ "—Mayumi Uchiha! I like saying the word 'fuck' a lot—" _Bonk!_ "—and my hobbies included saying the word 'fuck' in creative ways—" _Bonk!_ "—and reading smutty novels where people actually fuck!" _Bonk!_ "It's a wonder what you can accomplish with a simple Transformation Technique in this town—" _Bonk! _"As for things I hate, those fucking kunoichi-only classes we took at the Academy made me die a little inside—" _Bonk! _"—and I really hate being hit over the head, Sakura, so fuck you and keep your hands to yourself! You are fucking insatiable, woman!" _Bonk!_

The lump on her head now _very _hurtful, Mayumi winced and rubbed it a little before continuing in a somewhat more dignified tone of voice:

"My dream for the future is to be the first female Hokage, so I can show the whole village that kunoichi are just as kickass as those dudes on the mountain over there. I'm gonna be the best fucking kunoichi in the history of forever and I'm going to be the best fucking Hokage in the history of history! Fuck yeah, thank you and good night, this is Mayumi Uchiha, bowing out stage right."

At this pronouncement, even Sakura grinned a bit in spite of herself, and Akane, who had been frowning a little more deeply with every "F-bomb" the raven-hair dropped, perked up and regarded the Uchiha girl with something close to admiration. Anko felt a grin sneaking on to her face, and had to resist the urge to respond with an enthusiastic _Fuck yeah!_ herself.

_It's too bad, though, _Anko thought somberly, sobering up as their rather hefty dango order was brought to their table. _If being a woman wouldn't stop her, being an Uchiha certainly will. I think Hell might freeze over before the council considers letting a member of the Uchiha Clan run the village. Ah, well..._

"Well, now that we're all acquainted, it's time for us to feed our faces! And none of that bullshit sissy-girls 'but I'm on a diet' bullshit. Eat until you puke and then eat s'more! If you're doing your jobs even half as well as you should be by the end of a week with _me _as your sensei, the exercise will more than make up for a healthy appetite. So dig in!"

Sakura, who'd ordered a single stick of dango, shrugged and ate. Akane, who had never had dango before, licked it warily with her tongue before her eyes widened and she popped the first piece whole into her mouth. As for Mayumi, well... the sight of her wolfing down dango was a wonder only matched by the sight of her sensei doing the same.

Inwardly, Anko cackled, wondering if any of her students would be able to keep it all in when the time came for their "test." This was going to be fun...

**~V~**

Kakashi Hatake followed the pint-sized ninja dog, Pakkun, as it hopped from tree to tree, following the scent of young Naruto Uzumaki, which they had finally managed to re-acquire. The boy had apparently taken a tumble into a river at some point, an unfortunate accident that had thrown the masked Jonin off the trail for a good distance. He wondered if that mishap boded well for the forbidden-arts scroll the boy had absconded with. Probably not, but to Kakashi that was a secondary concern.

Which was, of course, why the Copycat Ninja had been chosen for this mission. There were many capable trackers in the Hidden Leaf, but precious few members of his generation were aware of just how innocent the knuckleheaded prankster was in the grand scheme of all of this. The boy wasn't some spiteful demon who'd intentionally stolen a vital technique archive—he was a scared, hurting young man who'd been conned into a dangerous position and who had run simply because he'd had no other apparent choice in the matter.

_Damn you, Mizuki..._

In retrospect, both Kakashi and the Third Hokage should have expected something like this from the man, whose conduct while on missions had been called into question multiple times. Still, he had been a good enough actor to seem honest and trustworthy to nearly everyone in the village but those who were aware of his questionable record, and the idea that he'd be bold enough to try and make off with the Hokage's scroll of sealing... let alone that he'd drag Minato's son into his little scheme...

If there was one source of comfort, Kakashi thought, it was that Mizuki had sorely underestimated the boy's potential and the manipulation of the Nine-Tails Jinchuriki had been Mizuki's ultimate downfall. According to the Hokage, the boy had successfully mastered a forbidden form of a Jonin-level technique, called _Taju Kage Bunshin no Jutsu_, the Multiple Shadow Clone Technique. With the newfound ability to create as many as a thousand solid, flesh-and-blood clones of himself, a slimy coward like Mizuki would be no problem even for a rookie of Naruto's low skill level.

But that was where the high points came to an end. The Hokage had seen through his viewing globe how Naruto had witnessed Mizuki's cold-blooded murder of Iruka Umino, one of the very few people in the village who had shown Naruto any kind of respect over the years, and that on top of the shock of finding out about Nine-Tails had driven Naruto over the edge. The boy had fled for his life with the scroll in hand the moment he'd dispatched Mizuki, and the Hokage had been hesitant to send any of the other shinobi on duty at the time.

It was easy to understand why—when Kakashi had returned from his latest mission after the boy had made his escape, he'd heard frantic whispers amongst the other Chunin and Jonin... whispers about the demon boy's murder of his two teachers and how they should have killed the "Nine-Tailed Fox" when they'd had the chance. More than once, a shinobi had expressed the sentiment that the village was better off without Naruto, and that if he hadn't taken the scroll with him there'd be no point giving him a second's thought.

Kakashi, being the former student of the boy's dead father, was not only an excellent tracker, but also one of the people who would actually care whether _Naruto _was returned safely to the village or not. The Hokage simply hadn't trusted that any other ninja he assigned this task would prioritize that to the same degree no matter how much he emphasized it as the point of the mission. There was too much of a risk that one of them might kill the boy or frighten him even more.

What Naruto needed now was someone who genuinely cared, and could show it. He needed someone who understood, on some level, that he was not the demon fox—but rather its jailor. Kakashi fit the bill, and was all too willing.

As long as Naruto was out in the wild with a priceless document like that, he would be the target of anyone and everyone seeking to claim some solid advantage over _Konohagakure._ The village was in danger, and Naruto's life was in danger.

Kakashi, without breaking pace, pulled down his mask and popped a soldier pill into his mouth, covering his face back up as he crunched it down and swallowed. There was no time for rest—

Pakkun stopped on a branch, sniffing the air warily, and by sheer force of build-in reflex, Kakashi came to a landing at almost the same moment.

"What do you smell?" he asked quietly.

"Three others," Pakkun said. "Their scent and Naruto's all go the same way—further away from the village, toward the border. It's possible that he was captured—I don't smell any blood or other hints that there was a struggle, though."

Given how easy it would be to subdue a surprised Naruto without a struggle, though, that could mean anything or nothing at all. Kakashi gritted his teeth in determination.

_I don't know who you are or what you want with the scroll or Naruto, but you will _not _take the Fourth Hokage's legacy!_

Pakkun and Kakashi set off again, their pace quickened still further.

The Copycat Ninja's life would come to an end two days later.

**~V~**

**Author's Note:** In case you haven't figured it out, the word "fuck" is basically Mayumi Uchiha's "dattebayo." You're going to hear her say it a lot, whether you like it or not.

In contrast to my other stories, which make a point to nudge things in an overall more positive direction, this story is probably going to take a lot of dark turns compared to canon—starting, as you can see, with Naruto and Kakashi. If that's not your cup of tea, at least know that Mayumi will always be hear to provide a dose of comedic energy to lighten the mood... since she isn't brooding all the time, like a certain _other _Uchiha. =3


	3. II: The Eyes of a Serpent, Peeking Out

**Disclaimer:** _Naruto_ is a _Shonen Jump _publication written by Masashi Kishimoto. I am neither _Shonen Jump_ nor Masashi Kishimoto. If that doesn't say it all, I pity you for your lack of perceptive prowess, and strongly advise that you _not _pursue the way of the ninja.

**~V~**

**- Chapter Two -  
>"The Eyes of a Serpent, Peeking Out From the Shadows"<strong>

**~V~**

"Um... Anko-sensei..." Akane began warily as they approached the tall, imposing fence that separated the four of them from the even taller, more imposing trees beyond. "This is... training ground number forty-four?"

"That it is, li'l Yuhi-chan!" confirmed Anko, offering the three would-be kunoichi one of her more sinister smirks. "This is training ground number forty-four, and the three of you are about to find out first-hand why they call this... _'The Forest of Death._'"

"Because it rolls off the tongue better than 'The Forest of Really Big Trees'?" suggested Mayumi. Sakura and Akane, who had looked a little worried for a second, both choked down a chuckle at the unabashed, grinning Uchiha girl. Mayumi actually looked _excited _as her eyes roved over the site of their upcoming test.

"Because it rolls off the tongue better than 'The Forest of Really Big Tigers, Flying Leeches, and Halfway-Decomposed Corpses Belonging to Former Ninja Brats _Exactly Like You'!_" corrected Anko, her sinister smirk widening into something truly malicious, prompting Sakura and Akane to gulp in worry... and Mayumi to grin just a little bit more as she surveyed the training ground more hungrily still.

"Fuck yeah! So, what's the test, what's the test, c'mon, tell us what the test is?" Mayumi asked, rounding on their substitute sensei and bouncing on the balls of her feet like a toddler begging their mommy to buy them some chocolate.

Anko was almost in love with this kid now—the only things stopping her from glomping the little firecracker were, firstly, that she was straight, and secondly, that she wasn't a freakin' pedophile.

"A survival test," Anko said simply. "I'm going to open this gate, you're all going to enter the forest, and you'll all need to survive in that forest until the end of the test... while trying to find _me._"

"Trying to find you?" Sakura echoed. "So the objective is to figure out where you are? Like a tracking test?"

"You could say that," replied Anko mysteriously. "And once you find me... you'll have to fight me."

"Fight you, sensei?" Akane almost exclaimed. "B-but you're a Jonin, and we're not—we're just—"

"Don't sweat it, li'l Yuhi-chan," Anko waved her off. "All you need to do is score one solid hit... specifically, you need to draw blood. Find me in that forest and get in so much as a pinprick of a cut or puncture, and you all pass!"

"Fuck, that sounds easy," muttered Mayumi. Her two companions gave her blank, incredulous stares from either side, which she ignored.

"Did I mention this forest's over twenty kilometers in diameter?" Anko added brightly.

"FUCK YEAH, that's more like it!"

_The crazier it gets, the more she likes it, _Anko snickered inwardly. _Let's see just how crazy we can make this test before she breaks..._

"A-Anko-sensei, that sounds like a lot to ask..." Akane said—and Anko fixed her with a positively demonic expression that caused both her and Sakura to visibly shrink back.

"Why? 'Cause you don't think it's _fair_?" Anko asked sweetly.

"With all due respect, sensei," Sakura said, "it _isn't _fair. None of us have particularly good tracking skills yet, and it doesn't strike me as a well-balanced test if it only focuses on that one skill, which any given shinobi team may or may not actually have—"

"Well, tough _shit_, munchkin," Anko said... or maybe sang. Could've been either. "Ninja life is _never _fair, and I'm the one who gets to decide just how fair or unfair this test is! It's just your rotten luck you got stuck with _me _as your substitute sensei while that lazy porn addict's out of town—my test, my rules. You have until sundown _three days from now _to find me."

"W-what are we supposed to do for food?" Akane asked timidly.

"Oh, there's plenty of food out there!" Anko said, sweeping an arm through the air to indicate the entire forest. "Training ground number forty-four is _full _of nature's bounty—plants, fish, all kinds of meaty animals, hell, even some of the insects are considered delicacies in _some _parts of the world! Of course," she added with a casual laugh, "the forest is also full of things that consider the three of you to be a delicacy... you know, poisonous insects, flying leeches, lions and tigers and bears—"

"Oh my," deadpanned Mayumi. "We get the message, Boss, just get to the part where we kick this forest's ass so hard its bowels spew out its belly-button!"

"Before that, I want to lay down some ground rules," said Anko. "First, the three of you must pass this test _as a team._ If and when you find me, you must all fight me _together. _If one of you is _incapacitated_ during this test and does not recover in time to help the others take me down, you all fail. If one of you dies during this test, you all fail. If anyone other than the three of you interferes with the test for any reason, you all fail. If any one of you leaves the boundaries of this training ground at any point during the test, you all fail. If the sun goes down at the end of the third day and you haven't figured out where I am, you all fail. And if I hear any of you fucking sissy-girls complain about the test at any time, you all fail. Am I crystal, kiddies?"

"Aye-aye, Boss, and fuck yeah!" said Mayumi.

"Yes, sensei," added Akane politely.

Sakura nodded an affirmative with strained determination.

"Then let's get this show on the road!" Anko declared, punching the sky with her fist. She then led the three Genin toward the nearest gate, which was marked with a large number five. Extracting a large ring of keys from her trenchcoat pocket, she unlock a series of three massive padlocks, flinging the gate open with a grand motion of her arms. "Get in here!" she barked, and the three trotted through the gate after her.

Anko shut the gates behind them and led them further into the woods for about ten minutes. The three girls looked around as they walked—Mayumi with an expression of childlike wonder and excitement, the other with looks of mutual, growing nervousness and apprehension.

This place was _huge_, and by that I mean everything _in _it was ten times as big as it needed to be. The trees themselves were as big around as houses, and so tall none of them could see the tops through their own twisting webwork of branches. The roots of these trees were all over the place, and Anko had to lead them under or around several massive twisting appendages which formed natural, wooden barriers and archways. Finally, the team reached whatever part of the forest Anko had deemed a good starting point for the test—which may have been completely random, for there was nothing distinctive about this particular cluster of titanic trees beyond Anko suddenly ceasing her march, twirling around, and barking out:

"The test begins in... GO!"

Their sensei's hands formed a single handsign and in a swirl of wind and leaves, she was gone.

"Body Flicker..." whispered Sakura. "She could be anywhere now—!"

"FUCK, BOTH OF YOU _MOVE!_ NOW!" shouted Mayumi in a sudden panic, barreling into Sakura with the mother of all flying tackles.

All of the wind left Sakura's lungs as she was blown backwards by the raven-haired maniac—who not only knocked her down, but rolled over and over and over along the ground with the pink-haired kunoichi in a vise-like bearhug. Behind them, several squishy things plopped into the ground just in time to miss the two of them.

Akane scrambled out of the way a second too late, and felt multiple slimy objects make contact with the back of her neck, her left shoulder and one of her arms—slimy objects that seemed to simply vanish a mere moment after making contact. More such objects plopped into the ground behind her, and she looked up in horror to see even more of them rain down from above.

Flinging the pinkette off her mid-roll, Mayumi jumped with her arms to land on her feet, forming a series of hand-signs she'd practiced and practiced at since the age of seven. Placing two fingers to her lips and inhaling a fast, hard, deep breath, she blew it all out upward at the incoming swarm of Konoha Flying Leeches—

_**Fire Style: Fireball Jutsu!**_

—and from her mouth erupted a massive, blazing inferno of orange flames, which engulfed the rain of leeches. One after another they emerged from the bottom of the fireball, no longer in any condition to do harm to anyone or anything—burnt bundles of cinder, some still aflame but most just charred to the point where there was nothing left to burn. Small clouds of ash erupted from the ground where many of them crashed down.

As the fireball's energy wound down—Mayumi forced as much chakra into the technique as she could, extending its duration to its absolute maximum limit to ensure all leeches were neutralized—Sakura glanced around for further threats. There were none, but some of the leeches on the ground that had landed prior to the fireball continued to wriggle—and then one of them jumped _right at Sakura's face!_

"_KYAAAAAA!" _she screamed, reflexively whipping out a kunai and batting the parasite out of the air before it made contact. Then a second leech jumped at her—

"OH, _FUCK_ NO!"

—and Mayumi moved: a flurry of spinning shuriken, slashing kunai, and deadly, precise kicks and stomps, leaping and flipping to and fro, nailing the flying menaces mid-jump or mid-wriggle, whether on the ground or air, with throwing stars, kunai stabs, and the occasional heel of her foot one after another. Not a one even came close to touching her comrades.

**~V~**

Regarding the spectacle of Mayumi Uchiha from the shadows beneath the roots of a tree some distance away, Anko Mitarashi let out a low whistle. Child prodigy, indeed! This girl was _good_, and was even acting efficiently in the face of a deadly surprise as if she rescued ninja teams from swarms of flying leeches on a daily basis. It took some serious skills to nail moving targets so precisely with throwing stars like that, or to keep one's attention on so many targets... and that fireball! How many trainees her age could say they'd mastered even _one _elemental jutsu, let alone well enough to pull it off at a moment's notice like that?

_Akane, though..._

Anko had seen the three leeches latch onto the back of the Yuhi girl as she scrambled away just a little too late to benefit from Mayumi's first warning, and the girl appeared blissfully unaware of them until a moment after Mayumi put down the last of the flying leeches. Then Akane staggered forward, opening her mouth to say something, before stumbling to land on her hands and knees, suddenly light-headed and a little pale.

Her comrades both looked at the collapsed girl, saw the leeches, and rushed over. Sakura called the girl's name in distress; Mayumi simply roared another loud, resounding "FUCK!" and then barked over to Sakura to get her first-aid equipment ready.

Anko slipped further into hiding, ready to interfere at a moment's notice if things looked hopeless for her team... but reassured by the Uchiha's commanding tone that Akane's comrades had things well in hand. As Mayumi and Sakura set to work caring for their companion, Anko hoped that the class's second-to-dead-last would at least prove skilled enough not to drag the other two down... and wondered how long it would take the team to work out the truth of this "tracking test."

Naturally, when the team finally moved on to a new location—at Sakura's suggestion that they find a safer place to set up camp and let Akane recover—Anko Mitarashi wasn't far behind. She had never intended to move farther than thirty yards from the three kunoichi trainees in the first place.

**~V~**

Akane Yuhi was a pale, fluttery, whimpering mess as Mayumi removed the overgrown leeches from her body, but at least she couldn't actually feel the pain. That was the good thing about the numbing poison the leeches used to hide their presence from their prey.

Tears streaked her face and her eyeshadow was now all over the place—combine that with her blood-drained visage and she looked both extremely sick and like something out of a horror movie. Her whimpering was nearly unintelligible as Mayumi methodically, but quickly, pried each leech off by slipping her fingernail between the girl's skin and the parasites' mouths, detaching their suckers from Akane before doing the same to pry off each leech's body. The instant each sizable parasite was fully detached, she deftly flicked it into the air and caught it with an upward stab of her kunai knife, ending the blighters once and for all as Sakura quickly set to work on cleaning and bandaging the wounds.

It was a process that took all of half a minute, and it was a good thing that Akane couldn't see her back for the duration of it, because the leeches—like everything else in the forest—were so big that they needed to be seen to be believed... as were the bites. These were parasites grown big and used to engorging themselves on even bigger creatures native to an even bigger jungle environment—when it came to li'l ol' teenage girls from li'l ol' human villages, Konoha Flying Leeches were hardly even fair.

Akane would later learn that she owed her very life to her friends' swift action. Konoha Flying Leeches were so large and drained blood at such a staggering rate that even fully-grown adult males would be done for in a matter of minutes if the leeches weren't removed in a timely manner—and even then, the bites themselves could prove fatal if not treated just as quickly. Fortunately, the poison wasn't fatal... just a bit strong for such a smaller target to take.

So eventually Akane passed out from a combination of blood loss, the effects of the numbing poison the leeches had effectively overdosed her with, and her own faint heart. When she finally came to, it was to the the concerned faces of two friends who had stayed awake to watch over her for over three hours...

**~V~**

"I can't believe sensei would—_mmrph!"_ Sakura tried to say, only to be cut off mid-sentence by Mayumi's hand, which clamped itself firmly over her mouth.

"Don't fucking complain, I am _not _going back to the Academy just 'cause you couldn't suck it up long enough for us to finish this fucking test," hissed Mayumi.

The two were now watching over their sleeping companion beneath a nook of relative safety, a shadowy little alcove where the roots of a giant tree formed a sort of natural cave or roof between two massive boulders. There was only one entryway, and after checking the place over with a torch lit with one of Mayumi's fire techniques, the two had confirmed that no threats lived beneath the tree... at the moment... so it was safe to set up camp. At the very least, there would be no sudden rain of flying leeches at any point in time.

"She can't hear us, Mayumi," grumbled Sakura.

"Oh really?" mumbled Mayumi. "Well, I don't wanna fucking risk it. Maybe she has someone spying on us during the test, so she can see how good or bad we're doing. What then, Sakura? They hear one of us bitching and the other two fail because that one couldn't keep their fucking mouth shut."

Sakura, realizing the possibility, clapped a hand over her mouth and glanced out from beneath the roots warily, as if expecting a pair of cartoon eyes to be peeking out from the shadows someplace. Removing her hand from her mouth, she continued in a less _whiny _tone:

"I just think sensei led us right into those leeches on purpose, which was kind of... sneaky," Sakura said in her best conversational tone, her best _I'm just stating a fact, I'm not complaining about it, oh no!_ sort of voice.

"Probably, but so what if she did?" Mayumi reasoned. "Those kinds of traps and sneak-attacks are the sort of thing we need to get used to if we plan on being ninja. The real world ain't gonna fucking tap us on the shoulder and ask permission before it sticks a kunai knife up our noses."

"Still..." whispered Sakura, and she looked to her left, where beneath a small, portable poncho—the closest thing to a makeshift blanket either of them had been carrying at the time—their unconscious companion softly slept off her run-in with the leeches.

"Think about the rules, Sakura," Mayumi said testily, but quietly, leaning in to speak into Sakura's ear. "One of them fails us if anyone other than the three of us interferes, right?"

"Y-yes... so?" Sakura said, uncomprehending.

"That's almost like she's admitting she has someone tailing us, ready to step in if it looks hopeless," Mayumi reasoned, in a calm and rational voice that would have seemed out-of-character to someone who'd only seen Mayumi's loud-mouthed side. "It may seem like she just threw us to the wolves out here, but at the very least I don't think Anko-sensei wants to explain to her superiors why one of the Genin she was assigned to substitute-mentor for a few days wound up getting _killed_ during a _survival test _right out the gates of the Academy_._"

"That makes... sense," Sakura admitted, relaxing visibly.

The conversation unceremoniously died after that, the two lapsing into a tense-but-companionable silence as they kept watch over their friend. Mayumi's eyes never left the wide entrance to their little safety nook; Sakura fidgeted and kept looking back and forth between the entrance and their unconscious friend. When they had set up camp, Mayumi had taken the liberty of rigging the entrance with a simple-yet-lethal trap which would send a rain of knives down on any unfortunate creature to trigger the shin-high trip wire stretched across the entryway... and another which would send a rain of knives across the entryway if Mayumi voluntarily cut the triggering rope to her immediate left.

All of this Anko watched from a safe distance—or rather "listened to," making a cozy little camp for herself in a smaller nook not far from the entryway and keeping an ear out for anything out of the ordinary, once she'd stealthily appraised the quality of Mayumi's traps... which actually weren't half-bad when she consider how rushed they'd been, and that they weren't intended for anything more intelligent than passing gorillas.

Several hours passed before Akane moaned and attempted to roll onto her back—

"No, no, don't get up!" Sakura said with a start, scrambling over to the girl and putting a calming hand on her shoulder. "I don't know how long the enzymes those leeches use will take to wear off, so we can't say whether the bites have even completely stopped bleeding yet—"

Akane mumbled something unintelligible—might've been trying to ask what Sakura was talking about, but then suddenly froze and started trembling. "Where are we?" she whispered.

"In a safe place, Yuhi-chan, don't worry," said Mayumi amicably, moving into view to hunker down where Akane could see her. "Nothing should be able to get us in here so long as we keep a constant watch, so you just relax and let those bites heal, 'kay?"

Akane's eyes met Mayumi's for a moment—her trembling abruptly ceased—and then she blushed, averting them. "S-sorry, you two," she muttered, almost inaudibly.

"Pardon?" Mayumi said.

"I said I'm sorry," Akane said quietly. "I knew I'd only hold us back. Now you two have to waste time looking after me when we could be out tracking down Anko-sensei. We only have three days left, and we have to waste time because of my screw-ups."

"Aw, 'scool," Mayumi said with a shrug. "It's the fucking leeches that should be 'pologizin', not you. And they's felt the fiery wrath of Mayumi Uchiha already, so all debts're paid." Mayumi laughed a kind of mock laugh that was both immensely evil and more than a little haughty. Sakura could have identified this as her patented _OHOHOHO, I am the Almighty Mayumi-sama! _"Smugness Laugh," had the moment not been so somber.

"Yeah," whispered Akane. "You were so cool, and I was so lame..."

"Oh, man up and quit sulking! Are you a woman, or are you a fucking _woman_?"

Mayumi almost spat that remark, and Akane cringed... then met Mayumi's eye and realized she wasn't looking nearly as irked as she sounded.

"Just 'cause you fucked up once, it doesn't mean you won't get better. Even if you're nothing but the third wheel now, we'll get you through this test and _then _we can worry about turning you into a badass. We're a team, right? If you don't think you're good enough, just trust us to make up for your weaknesses and do your best to help out in the meantime. Don't bother losing sleep over it!"

Beside Mayumi, the pink-haired girl nodded and smiled in reassurance and agreement.

Akane wasn't sure why this line of reasoning was so comforting, but it felt like a weight was lifted off her back as Mayumi spoke. Was it the confirmation that they didn't hold it against her, the prospect of them helping her to get stronger, or was it the knowledge that she'd be safe as long as she had these two watching over her? Either way, she buried her face in her arms, smiled, and let a few small tears of gratitude leak out before she looked up again.

"Thanks, you two... I promise I'll do my best and work my hardest from now on."

"That's what I like to hear," Mayumi said. "Anyway, it's my watch right now, so I'm gonna keep an eye out for those oh-so-evil _lions and tigers and bears._ You get better fast, yeah? Sakura, don't forget to check 'n' change the bandages sometime, just to be on the safe side—but get some sleep yourself while I'm on watch, so you're rested when you take over, yeah?"

Sakura and Akane both nodded the affirmative, but when Mayumi hopped to her feet and strolled out of Akane's line of sight, the graduating class's second-to-dead-last felt a little pang of regret that she fought to ignore.

_She's just so... cool._

And pretty, and outgoing, and confident. Basically, everything Akane herself wanted to be, except maybe for the foul mouth. But that wasn't the source of that little, guilty twinge when she realized she wouldn't be looking up into those bottomless black eyes anymore.

Akane let out a soft, rueful sigh, and wondered for perhaps the thousandth time why the gods had deigned to make her so _different._

**~V~**

Catching this last conversation from her hiding spot outside the team's little safety-nook, Anko Mitarashi let a soft smile flicker onto her features before leaning back a little more and settling into a light sort of half-sleep—the kind of wake-at-the-drop-of-a-pin slumber that only trained shinobi who've gone on countless solo missions really knew how to enter at will. Her eyes were closed but she was on alert for the slightest disturbance.

Strangely, after the episode with the leeches, she was actually considering the merits of _passing_ these three misfits. The thought of Kakashi returning from his mission to find he might actually have to _teach _these brats almost made her laugh out loud...

**~V~**

**Author's Note:** Three days in the Forest of Death for their Genin test. Overkill? Definitely, but they had dango before the test started, so they'll be fine. Right?

For the record, the hyperactive, foulmouthed Mayumi you all saw last chapter is only one side of the girl. In situations that call for more serious or sober interactions, she's more than capable of delivering, as you can see in this chapter—she's not really insane, she just gives everyone the impression of being insane because she fucking _wants_ it that way. Another similarity between Mayumi and Anko, you could say.

Upcoming chapters will go back and forth between Mayumi's team and the events surrounding Naruto, Kakashi, and Orochimaru. And fans of _The Whims of Fate_ needn't worry, I'm not abandoning that story! I just want to focus on this one for a bit until it has a little more meat on it, that's all.


End file.
